THE RED FLAGS OF DATING A NARCISSIST
I wasn’t sure if I would actually ever publish this post. I initially wrote this almost a year ago, five months after I ended my relationship with my ex. And in those first few months post-breakup, I discovered a lot of things that I wish I would have known sooner.
And after a lot of thought, I decided that I wanted to share my experience. If you’ve followed my blog for awhile you know I’ve always said that I would not only share the pretty parts of life, but also the messy, and sometimes complicated. My goal has always been to have this be a safe space, especially for women. And I want to keep the conversations going on topics that we don’t always openly discuss. I hope that by me sharing my experience, someone else reading this can relate. And also be reminded that you are NEVER alone, no matter what you’re going through or have been through in the past.
As many of you know, I was dating my ex at the start of the pandemic up until May of 2021. And although I spent a collective of 8 years (on and off starting in my 20s) with this man, it wasn’t until I ended things that I realized he’s a Narcissist. And I don’t use this term lightly. I have done my due diligence of learning what a Narcissist really is. And honestly, it’s something I still struggle to wrap my mind around.
Definition:
nar·cis·sist
/ˈnärsəsəst/
noun
a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.
How I realized my ex was a Narcissist:
A few months after we broke up, I was scrolling through Instagram and I came across a graphic that had listed out characteristics of a Narcissist. I remember just sitting there stunned because it all just started to click in my mind. I ugly cried reading it over and over again. It made complete sense to me however, I couldn’t understand how I didn’t realize it at the time of the realtionship.
I saw the red flags over and over again. The constant need to keep his phone in close proximity. Always telling me I was “needy” yet he would never demonstrate undivided attention. Constantly questioning my commitment level in the relationship. Keeping his friends private but always making himself known to mine. Buying gifts and paying for things to receive praise and showcase his ego. Withholding Sex. Always promising future plans. Blaming others for his bad behavior. Showcasing an egotistical attitude. Verbally getting into arguments with co-workers and superiors. Lying and exaggerating the truth. The list goes on and on.
Red flags of dating a narcissist 🚩
🚩 Love bombs and speaks of future plans early on in the relationship.
🚩 Always seeking validation from others.
🚩 Says or does things that are hurtful to you, but says “you’re overreacting” anytime it happens.
🚩 Constantly draws a line in the sand when it comes to big decisions in the relationship (ie; marriage, having kids, living arrangements, etc.) Making you feel like you have to give up everything in order to make it work.
🚩 Showers you with gifts as a distraction to keep you thinking they actually care and are being thoughtful.
🚩 Calling you “needy” when all you’re asking for is the bare minimum when it comes to showing affection and giving undivided attention.
🚩 Withholds Sex
🚩 Often shows jealousy towards other male friends or ex’s to create his dominance in your life.
🚩 Lack of empathy towards others.
🚩 Constantly viewing others as a threat to them.
🚩 Often cheats in the relationship to obtain new supply.
🚩 The need to keep their social media private. Never taking photos together. Saying they don’t need to publicize everything. But they post selfies and anything else they choose. Always eager to be visible on your social media (for attention).
🚩 Irresponsible when it comes to finances and spending money on material things.
🚩 Typically has strained relationships with friends/family.
🚩 Never accepts fault for any wrong doings.
🚩 Makes you feel crazy for pointing out any bad behavior, even when you show proof.
🚩 Usually prays on empaths.
The aftermath and healing process:
I initially felt angry at myself for not seeing it from the beginning. I just always thought he was charismatic. But what I didn’t realize is that his charm played an important role in his manipulation. That’s how narcissists suck you in. Everything feels amazing in the beginning. Almost euphoric. Like you’re on a high of emotions. It’s mesmerizing at first being with someone who shows you affection, tends to your needs and throws shiny gifts at you to keep you wanting more.
Looking back now, it seems so obvious. And I’m sure if you’re reading this…..you’re yelling out like WTF?! How did you NOT see that he was a narcissist?! The truth is, when you’re in a relationship and you’re in love with someone, you don’t always see the bigger picture. You see things in small snippets. And you only know what you know at the time of each snippet playing out in front of you. And one thing to know about narcissists, is that they are REALLY good at explaining themselves in situations. And they are even better at convincing you that what you think you’re seeing, isn’t actually the truth. They lie so well that sometimes you even start to talk yourself out of your initial thoughts and feelings. The way they can manipulate is actually pretty impressive.
When you date a narcissist and the relationship ends, you often are left with a lot of unanswered questions. And closure is something you likely will not be given, but have to rather find on your own. I’ve had to accept that I will never get back the time wasted or effort spent on this relationship. As well as accepting that what was real for me, was not real for him but rather just another supply to feed his ego.
One thing you also have to come to terms with, is the emotional abuse that takes place in dealing with a narcissist. Typically when I think of abuse, I think of some sort of physical abuse. However, emotional abuse can be just as traumatic and triggering.
I have spent a lot of time unlearning what was and accepting what is. I still carry a lot of guilt and shame for allowing myself to be in a toxic relationship like this. I like to think that I have done the work in trying to heal but I know it takes time. I have seen the damage it has done first hand especially as I try to get back out there and date again. It is a constant trigger and something that I have to work on going forward. But what I now know to be red flags, will hopefully prevent me from future toxic relationships.
And while I can’t speak for all relationships, this is my personal experience. My hope is that someone reading this who may be dealing with their own narcissist can see the red flags and can end the relationship sooner than later. I think we can encounter narcissists in our lives in many forms, whether it be in our careers, our relationships or even friendships. Knowledge is power.